I alway though i will be someone. You know, "someone", not just anyone among whatever billions of people in the world.

I am not so sure anymore. Look back on my life, I am rather privileged. Not I was born in a privileged family, with loads of money, great resource etc, but I was well educated, sufficiently supported, financially or mentally. I was favoured by teachers and have never had any difficulties in study, in delivering whatsoever achievements the society regards important. At least I thought so.

But now I am really really frustrated. Job hunting is not going well. No interviews yet. No postive answers yet. I have been trying several universities, but no, no answers. And I wonder why? Browsing through the profiles of their falcuty members, I am not that bad, am I? I know, I did not have any publication yet, but I have quite impressive academic history, ain't I? Sometimes I'd rather think it is just luck. People do not always need an international economic law teachers, and I can only teach on this subject. The jurisdictional background restricted the possibility for me to teach any undergraduate subjects.

Sometimes, especially when my mood is down, I think I am of no value. I have spent bloody long time in PhD, no progress made yet. No publication, no conference, nothing. Even the thesis is unfinished! It is really depressing to think that I cannot find a decent job, especially when I was just freshly out of graduate school. Jobs flied to me. And now?

I also do not like the possessiveness of mama. I am not her worries, even i cannot find a job for the rest of my life. It is my life. Why should I justify meself in front of her? I always find the bloody horrible possessiveness is the fundamental problem between her and min. Now, also between her and me.

All parents are possessive, and all teachers think they are right. That's the issue in my family.



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